By Pablo Kimuli
A man and his little girl were on an overcrowded elevator. Suddenly, a lady in front turned around, slapped the man, and left in a huff. The little girl remarked, “I didn’t like her either, daddy. She stepped on my toe; so, I pinched her bum.”
I recently went through a weird scenario when I shared an elevator with high-ranking government officials. There was nobody at the time I entered the elevator. I was then joined by a man on the next floor who showed all the signs and symptoms of somebody who had just had a heavy meal.
He had a toothpick tucked in his mouth, patches of spilt sauce on his tie and his stomach kept rumbling in protest of the mixed foods he had just had. He greeted me before belching so loud that it echoed in the elevator.
We didn’t have much to share since he was getting out on the next floor. Just before the elevator could open, the man fouled the air. The stinker could easily make a pregnant woman miscarry.
He moved out without apologising, only complaining about the poor quality of ghee he had eaten.
Right at that moment, three government officials joined me in the lift. The smell was still as fresh as ever.
I was the key suspect considering the fact that I was the only one they found in the lift. They kept looking at me as if I was the author of the Boko Haram rebel movement. One of the ladies started complaining about today’s ill-mannered generation that doesn’t respect elders and subtly insinuated that I was responsible for producing the foul smell.
Thankfully, we were then joined by a lady and her six-year-old daughter. The little girl was talking nonstop until she also detected the stench donated by my previous elevator-mate. She started whinging of adults who don’t respect children.
“Our teacher told us that it is child abuse,” she almost shouted. Her mother was forced to step out at the following floor just to save her from further embarrassment.
Fortunately, we were all getting out at the next floor. I went straight to meet my client. I shared with him the story and he almost choked on laughter.
He advised me to always put up a spirited fight in such situations otherwise I risked being the sacrificial lamb. But I assured him that there are things that you can’t defend, especially if the majority are against you and if the allegation is intangible. He didn’t buy my argument.
We left that topic and embarked on our business. When we were done, he decided to see me off to the ground floor so that he could grab something to eat. We waited for the elevator and, lo and behold; it was the gentleman who had poisoned the air standing right before us in the elevator!
I faked that I had received a phone call and asked my friend to go ahead and use the elevator as I picked the call. He obliged and joined the fellow.
I waited for the next that was going down. There was chaos at the ground floor when the elevator doors opened. It was my client bending over for anyone who cared to smell his behind to confirm that it wasn’t he that fouled the air in the lift.
Interestingly, the three government officials I had previously shared the lift with were the ones pinning him. My client dared them to smell his rear end to confirm their allegation, but none was willing to take the chance. They all kept claiming that they are either diabetic, hypertensive, emotional or epileptic.
I was sure the gentleman, my first elevator mate, had donated another dose while they were moving down. My client pointed me out as a witness to the effect that he was just stepping out to get something to eat hence had no ‘feedback’ to share.
The lady immediately recognised me as the young man they had earlier shared a lift with in the elevator. She concluded that it was my client who had messed up the air.
“Birds of the same feather flock together. It is him!” she exclaimed as they walked away.
I reached to my client and whispered to him that sometimes putting up a spirited fight brings out the fool in you. Some things are not worth fighting for.