The Sun UK
The Sun’s sex and relationship columnist Dr Pam Spurr regularly brings you must-know info for the bedroom and beyond.
I couldn’t help tittering about the “Moaning over sex” story in today’s Sun.
You see, moans and groans of webcam models were emanating loudly from an online sex-show company.
Other business owners in the Hertfordshire Business Centre were left reaching for earplugs, but complaints finally hit a fevered pitch – rather like the models.
The company then had to move premises, apparently as it moves the Earth for customers.
This reminded me of the countless times people have asked: Why doesn’t my new partner make a peep?
Don’t they enjoy sex with me like my ex who screamed with excitement?
So now’s my chance to give you an aural (not oral!) guide to sex.
Here’s what the five main sex sound ‘profiles’ reveal:
Probably the lover who surprises you most.
By surprise I mean they jolt you out of your pleasure. They shriek so much you fear neighbours think you’re in a 50-Shades-of-Grey situation.
It’s different to ‘the shouter’ (below) as the shrieker doesn’t say anything, just shriek. Sometimes right in your ear – ouch.
Lover’s profile – Probably an impulsive character. Just as they shriek with every bit of pleasure, they go through life grabbing fun as it comes their way.
They might even be a risk-taker who doesn’t plan ahead. So if you wonder if this is a fling or more, you must pin them down for a straightforward chat.
Up-For-Fun Rating – 10/10. They’ll probably love to sex-periment.
They sigh quietly, interspersed with oohs and ahhs.
Then they sigh again, and again. And you get paranoid wondering if they’re tired or bored. You might even question if your ‘best’ simply isn’t the best?
Lover’s profile – Don’t worry; this is their romantic nature coming out.
They feel things deeply and not just on the physical side. They’re emotional and let those feelings out with sighs.
Up-For-Fun Rating – 5/10. They’ll need lots of encouragement to try new things.
The Porn Star ‘Shouter’
This lover is not simply a shrieker, they shout phrases as if in a porno: “Oh yeah, that’s awesome! Do it harder! Don’t stop! Come on baby! Do you love my *&!£%? (Substitute any raunchy word).”
Lover’s profile – They might feel they have to prove themselves. That sex is about showing off. Probably fun out of the bedroom, deep down they could be insecure or need lots of attention.
Up-For-Fun Rating – 8/10. Although sex-perimental, if they’re putting on a show, sex might be too much about them. Not enough about you and what you want to try.
The Silent One
Probably the person I get asked most about. This partner doesn’t make a peep.
They remain silent even during exciting vibrator-action, where you run one up and down their body.
Nope, you could literally swing from chandeliers and they’re silent.
Lover’s profile – Serious minded and probably traditional, in and out of the bedroom.
They need to focus during sex and they’re goal oriented (including their goal of reaching climax).
Up-For-Fun Rating – 4/10. Because they might be too inhibited. But with your encouragement who knows how much fun you can get them to unleash?
The Sensual Crescendo
You worry as they start their ‘sex-sounds crescendo’ that they might be in a little pain.
Or maybe just not really enjoying it. They start quietly with, “Ah, ahh, ahhh, ahhh.”
But then it builds, maybe with a little warble in their voice (you know what I mean – ah-ha-hah-ahhh-ha) in the middle.
As they reach their crescendo they reach their climax.
Lover’s profile – This is a person of great passions.
They enjoy getting the most out of life, again, in and out of the bedroom. They also have focus, building on something good.
Up-For-Fun Rating – 7/10. Although they get caught up in building to their final crescendo they’re probably sensual at heart. And want to satisfy you too.